The new of Montreal record has a song on it called “Gronlandic Edit,” wherein Kevin Barnes sings “I guess it would be nice / to give my heart to a God / but which one should I choose? / O, the church is filled with losers / psycho and confused…” etc. Naturally, I took umbrage to this when I first heard it. You know, “how dare he i ain’t no kinda loser and i sure as hell ain’t confused.” When oM played at Republic last weekend, Shannon, Corey, and I ended up getting to spend the evening with Kevin in the French Quarter, which was really a novella unto itself. Long story short, at the end of the night, I basically asked him about the line, about why he said it, and, you know, the fact that I don’t feel like a loser, nor am I psycho or confused. (This is actually kinda documented on the of Montreal MySpace, oddly enough.) He responded that he went through this big depression and he wanted to, uh, give his heart to a God, to give himself up to something larger than himself, but when he went to church, he realized that everyone there was, well, psycho and confused. It was a decent little conversation, but I still left thinking that that was untrue.

But I thought about it a bit this week. And I thought about everything that I’ve been going through. Maybe I’m not psycho or confused (well, maybe I’m not psycho), but I certainly don’t have life figured out. Because that’s not what happens when you give your life over to God. Life does not become some cakewalk. Life is still very confusing and very hard. In some ways, it’s harder, because you have to be torn between doing whatever the hell you want to do when you know that God wants you to do something else. Then there’s the whole living by faith thing. We can never know that we are doing God’s will, or doing what He thinks is best for us. We have to put faith in it. And that’s a whole ‘nother can of worried worms to open (lame, lame idiom, that was). Faith is not an easy thing. It’s very, very hard to live the Christian life. I thought that was bullshit the first, oh, hundred times I heard it. But it’s an incredible challenge. I can see why Kevin Barnes thinks that we are all psycho/confused.

But there’s a caveat. The thing is, no matter what, I’ve got hope. I can put my hope in something like Philippians 1:6, “He who began a good work in you will see it to completion in the day of Jesus Christ.” When things look incredibly bleak or weird, I can count on what I believe is a promise from God. Now, I’m not saying that the rest of the world is void of hope. I’m just saying that my hope is not based on my own (effing weak) abilities. I guess part of being a Christian is owning up to your psychosis and confusion. It’s saying, “I don’t have a clue what’s going on in my life, but I guess I trust You.” Again, this is not an easy thing to do.

I don’t know why I feel the way that I feel right now, but I am confident that it will pass. I am a fleshy bundle of insecurity, but I have faith (somehow) that everything will be okay. I’m psycho, I’m confused, and, hell, maybe that’s alright.

Here’s hoping my next post is something more along the lines of the Kriss Kross / Shaq music video face off. Until then.

Advertisements